Wishing I Had History
The nostalgia theme continues today. Seriously, what has gotten into me?! Maybe it's because I've been reading old (i.e. 2012) posts from one of my favorite bloggers, or the photo thread I started in my yoga group this morning, but I am finding myself melancholy about my nostalgia. It's a mess. Today, I'm thinking about all of my own history that I've erased - the journals I've thrown away, the Facebook accounts I've deleted, the blogs I've deleted, etc. and wishing I had some of it back.
I remember starting hundreds of journals throughout my life. I would write in them for about 2 weeks, and get bored with them. Instead of keeping them as is, I would throw them away because I didn't want anyone to find and read them. Now, I would pay huge amounts of money to have access to all of those old writings.
I joined Facebook when it was first invented (all the way back when you have to have a university email address to create an account). Since then, I've deleted accounts and started new accounts multiple times. I wish I had just kept the original account, whether I used it or not, so I could look back at more than a decade of my life.
You may be familiar with my blogging struggle, the deleting, the restarting. Yes, a fresh start on something gives me a creative rush and jumpstarts my inspiration, but now I wish I could read those old blog entries, when I look at some of my favorite blogs and look back to their early posts.
I've always been a perfectionist. If the handwriting didn't look nice, the page had to be torn out and started all over again. And if the page was torn out, then the journal wasn't fresh and whole, so the whole thing just had to be thrown away. If I was creating blog posts that I later deemed stupid, the entire blog had to be scrapped and I had to start over again with a completely new look and feel. I've even deleted all of my songs from Spotify simply because I wanted a fresh start. Talk about creating extra work for yourself! I want to work on accepting myself as I am, deleting the habit I have of deleting things I deem "not good enough," and creating history from today forward (or whenever my current accounts were last started fresh).
A note about the photo thread I mentioned above:
I posted something in my private yoga Facebook group, seeking advice from others who understood my feelings and circumstances. I got some amazing feedback, as always, but one response in particular really inspired me. Basically, the underlying message of my post was that some residual childhood "issues" were getting in the way of living life the way I want to live it, so I asked others how they deal with this. One woman replied that she keeps a photo of her childhood self in a frame beside her bed, reminding herself every day to be the person she needed when she was younger. This was a tactic I learned in therapy, envisioning yourself as an adult being that support and that person talking with and comforting your child self. It was really effective for those specific situations I was working through, one at a time, and I've made peace with those specific instances. But as an overall message, just to be the adult that you wish your younger self had had, I found really inspiring, and decided this was probably something I wanted to practice. So I found my favorite childhood photo of myself (and trust me, it's so hard to choose because I was adorable), and I plan to use my favorite photo printing website, Shutterfly, to print this photo on a ceramic tile (similar to the gift I made my mom for Mother's Day this year). And I will keep it next to my bed as a reminder that I AM that person today. I am that person that can heal my past hurts, and still reach my younger self to remind her that she's perfect as she is and that everything is going to be okay.