Thoughts On Another Year

The morning of my birthday began with me putting on a pair of pants I haven't worn in over a year, and finding out they no longer fit. This, despite the fact that I bought another pair at the same time, in the same style, just a different color, that I'm wearing right now. Maybe the others just need worn in again. But never mind.

Today, I'm 33. Little me (in the photo above) couldn't have imagined myself in my thirties. People in their thirties were so old to us kids growing up. Yet here I am: age 33, married, homeowner, Master's degree holder, etc. I've accomplished a lot more than I could foresee as a carefree kid. Even as a teenager in what felt like never-ending adolescence, I lacked the self-confidence to imagine all that I could and would grow up to become. 

The funny thing is, I still lack the self-confidence to imagine what I will accomplish from here. No matter how many years I rack up in this crazy life, I can't see the future any more clearly than I could two decades ago, or even 5 years ago, right before I moved to Utah. 

"Every next level of your life will demand a different version of you."

While taking a break from writing this post to scroll through Facebook, I came across the above quote, posted by a friend. It's speaking to me today because, while I tend to reflect on birthdays, I do believe it's even more important to look ahead. And based on some of my recent posts on the blog, I want to share my future with all of you, because it's positive. Throughout the month of July, I'm taking two important steps for my health - returning to therapy, and meeting with a psychiatrist to discuss medication management. 

After my anxiety reared its ugly little head once again (and for the first time, seemingly not an offshoot of a major life change), I decided to go back on the medication I was taking through the worst of it last year. However, I have always been hesitant about mood medication, since I've never been formally diagnosed. I simply went in to my primary care physician, told him I was feeling anxious, and he handed me a prescription. I have no idea if it's the most effective or healthy choice for me, and if I'm going to invest money, and my health is on the line, I want to be sure I'm doing it right.

It looks like 33 will be another year of me, of making improvements, and seeking continued health and happiness. And I'm so grateful to have my amazing little family by my side the whole way. 

Today, the sun sets on 32 and rises tomorrow on 33 (God willing). As Mr. Dickens would say, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. My favorite day in history - the day I married Jason. And a couple least favorite days dealing with anxiety and catastrophic election results. But I know that you have to feel pain to know what joy feels like. If I had to deal with the bad times in order to get the good times, it was worth it. In my 32nd year I got married, worked in 3 different jobs, added a new fur baby to our family, deepened relationships and let go of some of what no longer served me. I read a whole lot of good books, traveled down the Pacific coast with my new husband, and learned to be brave in my writing. There is a lot that I'm still working on, and I'll be kicking off my 33rd year by soon starting therapy again, and chasing new goals. I anticipate that success and failure will continue to go hand in hand, and I also anticipate that it will all be worth it when I reflect back. Happy Birthday to me! 🍸
A post shared by Aimee Kaiser (@aimeeksr) on


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