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Showing posts from June, 2017

Thoughts On Another Year

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The morning of my birthday began with me putting on a pair of pants I haven't worn in over a year, and finding out they no longer fit. This, despite the fact that I bought another pair at the same time, in the same style, just a different color, that I'm wearing right now. Maybe the others just need worn in again. But never mind.
Today, I'm 33. Little me (in the photo above) couldn't have imagined myself in my thirties. People in their thirties were so old to us kids growing up. Yet here I am: age 33, married, homeowner, Master's degree holder, etc. I've accomplished a lot more than I could foresee as a carefree kid. Even as a teenager in what felt like never-ending adolescence, I lacked the self-confidence to imagine all that I could and would grow up to become. 
The funny thing is, I still lack the self-confidence to imagine what I will accomplish from here. No matter how many years I rack up in this crazy life, I can't see the future any more clearly th…

The Ups & The Downs

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I felt so much better after writing my last post... temporarily, that is. Sunday rolled around, and Jason was getting ready to leave once again, and I kind of lost it. Now that he knows how I've been feeling, he felt bad that he had to leave again, which made me feel worse. However, the interesting part about it all was that it felt like *a little* anxiety but more self-anger that I couldn't get control over my emotions. I found myself thinking that dark, nasty thought that I'm too hard to love.
It's feeling like time to go back on those anti-anxiety meds. I hate relying on medication, but I want to do what's right for myself and my family. I don't want to put Jason through all of the hard times. And I don't want to put myself through any unnecessarily hard times either. It's also time to start the counselor search all over again, and take it a step further to find a doctor who can work with me on medication management. I'm not entirely happy with …

Confidence

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This is one I'm not sure I'm going to post. Right now, I am just writing it for myself, and we'll see how I feel once it's all out. 
Lately, I've been feeling extra "I don't belong here" at work. Something is off. I'm simultaneously having this conversation with a friend right now, about how I believe I'm suffering from some residual hang ups after my anxiety bout last Fall. 
For those of you who are new here, I guess I should recap. Last July, Jason and I got married and went on a Pacific Coast Highway road trip honeymoon from Napa to Los Angeles, CA. Somewhere around Solvang, about halfway through the honeymoon, I started to feel anxious. There was even a night that I couldn't stop crying in our hotel room, without knowing why I was crying. By the time we got to LA, I was doing everything in my power to distract us both from the heavy, heavy anxiety I was feeling. I still don't know why it came about at that particular time, I don&#…

Wishing I Had History

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The nostalgia theme continues today. Seriously, what has gotten into me?! Maybe it's because I've been reading old (i.e. 2012) posts from one of my favorite bloggers, or the photo thread I started in my yoga group this morning, but I am finding myself melancholy about my nostalgia. It's a mess. Today, I'm thinking about all of my own history that I've erased - the journals I've thrown away, the Facebook accounts I've deleted, the blogs I've deleted, etc. and wishing I had some of it back.
I remember starting hundreds of journals throughout my life. I would write in them for about 2 weeks, and get bored with them. Instead of keeping them as is, I would throw them away because I didn't want anyone to find and read them. Now, I would pay huge amounts of money to have access to all of those old writings. 
I joined Facebook when it was first invented (all the way back when you have to have a university email address to create an account). Since then, I&…

Summer Break

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For some reason, which I can't explain, I woke up with the biggest nostalgia pain for summer breaks as a kid. ­čî×School's out for 3 carefree months ­čî×Waking up (late) naturally ­čî×Spending half the day on the phone with my friends ­čî×Spending the other half of the day running around the neighborhood with friends ­čî×Mom picking me up in the middle of the day to go out to lunch sometimes ­čî×Staying up late, watching all of those great old Nick at Nite shows ­čî×Sleepovers in the middle of the week ­čî×Summer reading ­čî× Ice cream every day! ­čî×Trashy daytime TV that you never got to see during the school year, except on a sick day 
As I said, I have no idea where this nostalgia came from today, but I think we can all agree: as kids, summer was the absolute best time. I can picture it so clearly and vividly today, it's really crazy.

33 About Me

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As I mentioned previously, I haven't done an Intro/About post since relaunching the blog, so I thought my approaching birthday might be the perfect occasion to throw some random facts about myself out there. Since I'm turning 33 this summer, I decided 33 would be the magic number of facts (clever). 
I was born and raised in Pennsylvania.I moved to Utah in September 2012. I graduated with a B.A. in English (2007) and a M.Ed. in Higher Education (2010)Jason and I met on 12/13/14. We were set up by mutual friends, and it was love at first sight.We got married on 07/25/16. I chose July 25th for our wedding date, because it is my late grandmother's birthday, and it was my way of honoring her on our special day.I'm definitely Type A, and a perfectionist, which causes me to stress and worry quite a bit.I'm obsessed with my dogs, Lucia and Layla (I didn't say all of these facts would be NEW).I'm an introvert.I live and deal with anxiety on a pretty regular basis. M…

The Best Month

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June is the best month for several reasons. My birthday month! The first official month of summer! The true arrival of summer inspires me to get off the couch and seek outdoor adventures. This month, I started with an outdoor yoga practice that included goats and sheep running around us! Goat yoga is a new "trend" in the yoga world, but imagine my surprise when I saw that my small town was going to offer this experience. I couldn't pass it up! 
Tips for goat yoga: Don't take your nice, new yoga mat (so grateful I thought better of that myself)Keep your eyes open! The animals often decide to use the bathroom near you, so keep an awareness of where the puddles and piles are.Bring your sense of humor It was a really fun experience, and one I'm so glad I took a chance on. Though I may not have smelled too pleasant afterwards, and my dusty yoga mat is still in my car to be cleaned, it was a pretty unforgettable event! The quiet nature, and the sunset, also contributed…